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I don’t have an ipod

I dont know how to clog

I’m living on a level where

I’m stuck between the sod

But when it comes to writing

My pen can shine and shine

And I can dream, or paint,

or make up silly rhymes!

A person took me dancing

one swirl and he declared

“enough! enough! enough!”

“you’d better pick your pen up”,

“and stick to what you know

for the rumba and the samba

is not the way to go!”

A teacher should have patience

A teacher should be kind

but when it’s time to laugh

the girl who’s out of time

should let the pen be bidding

and rhumba with the rhyme!

Walking

Since I awoke at 7am sharp, I got up, gave myself 30 minutes to really wake up, stretch out my muscles, got dressed and took myself to the gym.

It’s quiet there on Saturday mornings.  I was there by 8am, had my pick of treadmills, remembered my earphones so I could watch a movie (they have cable, I don’t!), and enjoyed a cool, easy walk, caught pieces of the movie, but more enjoyable than that, watched the lifeguards get the pool ready for open swim, and, as well, people watched.

No one was swimming yet, but, there must have been a racquetball tournament or something because there were several families (mostly fathers/sons and 1 grandmother/granddaughter) heading to the courts over past the pool area.  What a great way for parents to spend some quality active time with those active kids!

I love the gym.  Triton is located just across the street and one block down from where I live.  There is so much to do there.  You can just work out, have a trainer, take advantage of all sorts of classes, ranging from dance cardio, kickboxing, pilates, water aerobics, tennis, swim team, racquet ball, and they’re adding new things all the time.  I can’t wait for the slides to be added to the pool…

I was in water aerobics a couple of weeks ago and the women were talking about how they dreaded the slides being added.  One lady who I thought might be someone I would like to maybe hang out with at some point stated: “Oh, we seniors won’t really like the slide thing…ha ha ha”.  Sigh.  My first fearfilled, panic ridden thought?  “OMG, is this a seniors class?! Are you people all old?! What am I doing in this class…I didn’t know it was for seniors!!! aauuuggghhh!”  “Well, how old ARE you?”…they asked.  “Oh, I’m 56″, I respond most assuredly…oh, yeah, I see…hmmm…well, ANYWAY, I happen to LIKE slides!”

Sigh.  Where are the people my age who still want to be our age and not jump right straight into nursing home status?  AAuuugghhh….hmmm…there’s a song I remember…goes something like “…stuck in the middle again…”   which is absolutely weird for a first born!  LOL!

Anyway, I really enjoyed my walk this morning and it was so good to make myself get out of my apartment.  There’s so many things I need to get taken care of but I can’t seem to train myself to focus long enough to complete anything.  It’s really frustrating but, oh well, what else am I going to do with any down time I have,right?  I might as well keep on practicing!

I usually start my walk at 2.5mph for 5 minutes, increase to 3.0mph for 3 minutes, maintain 3.5mph for 15 minutes, decrease to 3.0mph for 2 minutes, 2.5 for 3 minutes, 2.0mph for 2 minutes and stop.  (Yikes…that sounds tedious…is that an outward reflection of my fragmentend brain?)  Anyway…I finish with a good stretch while all my muscles are warm using different stretches I have learned from Denise Austin workouts, water aerobics w/Diane and ballet training with Sarah.  Oh, warmups—that is done at home before I head to the gym — every morning, I do floor exercises to stretch out my lower back muscles, and joint muscles, then I do some floor movements using weights (3-5lbs).  The above walking time usually works for a full-30 minute walk and makes a mile in about 20 minutes in length — yes, I know that miles are measured in feet but I’m not a numbers person you see…a mile has to be ’seen’ and ‘felt’ .. not measured by numbers…even an engineer building roads has to ’see’ it in his head…doesn’t he/she?  My dad saw it in his head, of course, he also ’saw’ the numbers w/out doing the calculations.

Anyway, back to walking.  Today, I wanted to stretch my routine out to an hour walking at a slower pace.  I’ve noticed that while 3.5mph really feels good heart rate wise, my right knee seem to get a twinge and my left ankle doesn’t really hurt but feels weak sometimes.  So, today, I started at 2.5 and slowly worked my way up to 3.0 but stretched it out to one hour in tme with a 15 minute focsed stretch at the end.  I completed 2 miles.  I’m not going for time so I’m happy with that.  What I want to accomplish is relaxed endurance. I can push myself for heart rate, weight control, toning, etc. during water aerobics and ballet training…but I want the walking to be about pure enjoyment and peaceful disengagement!

So many things I could blog about and when I’m not blogging I remember all those things and make lists both mental and written…but…when I sit down to blog…well, I can’t remember a single important thing I wanted to record.  Sigh.  Another focus issue I believe.  WELL, maybe the oxygen generation from my peaceful walking endeavor will help me recapture that illusive butterfly called memory plus action equals success!

I think I’ll go again tomorrow!

It’s 3:30 am and I awake

with images of children

my children

detailed faces pressed against the walls of my memories

moving, silently, smiling at me from time to time

I am their mother, and yet, I follow now

my time of leading is far gone

Such a short time ago I was grasping the hands of the clock

trying desperately to hold back those hands to make sure I could know the things I was supposed to know to give to those children actually got given

did they?  was it enough?

it doesn’t matter now

because it’s over

i’m no longer in front

i exist in a space belonging only to me now

i miss the giving

sleep escapes drawn forward into the light

by those same stern hands

 

Just Catching up…

The last week went by in a blur!  I worked last Sunday, but did make it to early church.  I was very glad.  Pastor is teaching on “Life on Purpose”…very good words of direction and encouragement.  I purchased a cd but then didn’t make it to church yesterday to pick it up…I had eneded up not sleeping very well on Saturday night because I fell asleep on the couch during the evening and then woke up at 3 am and couldn’t go back to sleep unti nearly 5:30 a.m.  I ended up taking something to help me sleep and then crashed out until 9:30 a.m when George called to tak.  I woke up briefly at that point (30 minutes) and then conked out again until almost noon!

Shadows

In the dark of day

watching shadows play

at the edges of my mind

i ponder all the eons

of the time

I wake and walk

away the hours

wondering how

God makes the flowers

to exist, simply exist

their purpose served

their duty done

no wandering thoughts

after setting sun

Being First

What is it about being first

that paints the picture of a day

That drives the nail

that seals the coffin

to wait for judgement day?

What is the reason for despair

when others go ahead

and leave the first one

feeling filled with dread?

Somehow the boat is missed again

as anchor pulls away

and the first stands silently screaming

watching the tide once more recede

holding life at bay.

Say….

MY OWN REMINDER OF WHAT LOVE SHOULD BE

Words may be poignant.

Words may be strong.

They can be gentle

And can be wrong.

But if you cannot say

the words that you mean

If you aren’t allowed

to let go and scream

If you are told to

quiet yourself so

Then, how can you know

Oh, how can you know?

If others are afraid

of the words you might speak

Then, how can you blame them

or consider them weak?

One must be free

to speak precious thoughts

and wills must bend

to make room for them.

My friends Dana and Jack Macfarland from Houston are in town this weekend.  They are part of a clogging group called, Texas Lovin’ Cloggers.  Dana is a friend from my high school years in Del Rio.  Anyway, I talked Sarah into going downtown to La Villita tonight to visit with them and stay and watch their performance. 

It really turned out to be fun and interesting!  Dana and Jack are such a cute couple, fun to be around, gracious, hospitable, interesting.  Dana is a retired elementary school teacher and Jack is retired from engineering (oil related, I believe).  Anyway, they were really good in their performance…very creative, choreographed and rehearsed.  Jack has been clogging for about 10 years and Dana for the last year.  It really looks fun and something fun for all ages…there were little 3 & 4 year olds all the way to seniors!

I hope I meet some really great people here in San Antonio like Jack & Dana!  Would be so fun to have some people like that to hang out with.

(I love you Sarah and kids…but…you can’t entertain me ALL the time!)

Sarah took me down the river to a really great StarBucks that is one of those music places…where you can pick and choose cd albums, listen, download music and create your own specialized cd’s.  Fun!

Slowly, but surely, I’m finding my way around SA!  Thanks for going with me Sarah!  Maybe we’ll get everyone excited about dancing at some point!

For Mary…

THREE WISHES

I wish I could go shopping with you, Mary

You find the most fabulous trends!

I wish I could go swimming with you,  Mary

Your sand castles just blow me away! 

I wish for Chile’s BUFFALO FAJITAS with you,  Mary

You make eating out such fun!

All my wishes this eve are just about you, Mary

Night Night!!!

:)

 

 

Priorities

God

Family

Friends

Self

Why am I last?

Because I have been taught not to be first.  And, I understand that.  It’s just that when I’m last, I have nothing left for me…I’m spilled out…empty…depleted…

Then, I start the pattern all over again and spend all of my time with God whining, crying, imploring.

What’s wrong with this picture?  I know what’s wrong…it’s out of order.

God

Self

Family

Friends

Work

That order works better for me…not “for me” in the selfish sense, but, “for me”, in the sense that if I take care of myself before trying to meet everyone else’s needs first, then I’m a better servant.  All it requires is a little quiet time alone with God, some serious paper planning, followed through by action.  Then, I’m ready to meet the world around me.

I look for my “Tuscany” experiences everywhere.  A five-minute stop by the road to reflect on the wildflowers that I so dearly love to see.  Which leads to memories of the Hill Country and mom’s love of color and dad’s love of living free, which leads to watching birds and remembering how much mom loved them and they loved her - it truly was an amazing thing to see - how the birds came around her with no fear - how she talked to them fully trusting that they knew her intent.  I inherited that love for them.  It’s the only type of pet that suits me.  They are free to come & go and talk to me if they wish.  They bring me much joy.  They drown out the ‘white noise’ around me…sigh…all this cool wonderful breeze before summer hits and the neighbors are running their air conditioners non-stop.  What a pity at the wonder they are missing, the money they are expending for electricity…not to mention the waste.  Not being judgemental, just reflecting…I wonder why people are so afraid of facing the elements head on?

This is me…taking care of myself.  Writing.  Reflecting.  Rambling.

Okay..on to Priorities:

Important tasks for June:

  —> resolve my internet needs by May 31 (include a new cell phone and minute plan if possible)

  —> complete the blessed resume process again

  —> resolve the job hunt challenge

There are other priorities such as family, grandchildren, friends but those are commitments I make weekly…I just needed to get the big ticket items out on paper and develop some way to keep myself focused on the ‘musts’ of this life!

I had a dream last night.  A vivid dream.  I woke up with this thought playing over & over in my head…”A little child shall lead them” … It was an appropriate line based on the facts in the dream which I won’t go into.  Suffice it to say, at the least, it was a nice segue into morning prayers for myself, my family.  I love waking up that way.  It gives me hope that in the messed up personage I inhabit in this journey, I have small windows of hope that I am forever connected, even in sleep, to my Creator who loves me and ever draws me to His presence.  I don’t ever want to live outside His presence.  My security and sense of propriety rests in His love for me.  I don’t understand His love for me.  It is beyond me.  But, I know I want it, need it, hunger for it.  And, I am glad of heart when I am reminded that it, His love, is mine to have.  It’s the only thing this life offers that is concrete…His love and the love that extends between family and friends.

Off to exercise so as not to be stiff and then to work!

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